Yesterday I went to a Skillet concert.  It was their last show from their Awaken Alive Tour.  I’ve been to a few of their concerts and this was by far the best.  I really enjoy Skillet’s music because I can relate to a lot of what they write about. It’s real, it’s geniune, it’s sincere.  I loved standing there in the crowd listening to the base as I felt the vibrations through my body.  What a great show.

Today I went to work at my awesome job in a mirror factory.  I’m totally being sarcastic by the way.  On bad days when my job really gets to me I like to tell myself that I’m making a difference in the world.  Like if it weren’t for me people wouldn’t be able to see behind themselves.  I make rearview mirrors by the way.  Anyway, today was a really bad day.  I couldn’t tell myself I making the world a better safer place one mirror at a time.  No, instead I asked my boss if I could speak with him in his office after work, and then I told him that I was quitting.  In this economy, in this recession, that’s a pretty crazy thing to do.  Trust me, I know.  I’ve already weighed this job in my head a million times.  I work full-time with twenty hours of overtime a week.  I get full benefits, 401K, bonuses, Christmas meat, etc. but I have no passion for my job. I find no joy in my job.  I’m no longer living. I’m existing. I’m suffocating. I need to go crazy. I need a change. I need to just breath.  And I’m well over qualified for this job. It’s time to spread my wings and fly.  It’s time to fly.  I’m not sure where I’m going, and everyone tells me I’m crazy, but I’d be crazy to stay.  The funny part is that after I told my boss I couldn’t work here anymore, I asked if he would help me with my resume. That’s a little absurd I know, but the great part is that he not only offered to help me with my resume, but he offered to make a few phone calls, connect me with some connections, and help me find some happiness. Crazy! I know.

My boss’s name is Mike. He’s great in so many ways, and this is one of them. Sometimes it’s hard for me to talk with him because he’s so great, and I can’t help but fall for him all over again every time we talk. It’s pretty unhealthy to fall for your boss, it’s even more unhealthy to date your boss. So, I try not to even talk to my boss. If Mike were not my boss and didn’t have a super gorgeous great girlfriend, I would definitely entertain the idea of dating him. I guess I already did by writing about trying not to think about dating him. He’s a keeper.

So I’m job searching now. I’m going to teach myself how to fly. I’m glad Mike is helping. I’m glad I know Mike.

Some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. It’s raining outside and the weather is awfully gloomy and depressing. The sky’s are overcast and I’m inside with nothing to do. I bought some cookie dough ice cream. I only got a pint because I knew I would end up eating whatever I bought. It’s been a couple of months. In January he called and said that would be the last I would hear from him ever again. He wished me good luck in life and said goodbye. I was thinking and feeling a million emotions at once, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. I was tired of fighting for his attention, our relationship, and love, so I said goodbye and hung up the phone. That happened in January and we haven’t communicated with each other since. I sometimes think about writing a letter, or calling, but I don’t. I’ll find myself scrolling through my address book on my blackberry and stopping at his name. I always stare at his number for a moment or two, but never press send. What would I say anyway? I can’t make anything right and I can’t change it. Sometimes I look at his facebook profile. He hasn’t deleted me yet. I wonder when the day will come when his profile says he is now in a relationship. She will probably be really great. I think I was really great.

Breakups are hard. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever move on.  I wonder if I’ll find someone who will give me kisses on the forehead and hug me in the city under the sunshine and the cool air. Will they salsa dance with me at the Hispanic festival? Will they go on Sunday afternoon bike rides with me and share ice cream afterward? I miss so many aspects of our relationship. I miss all the really happy times. I miss being happy with my best friend and just being around him. I was myself. He liked that. We had some really great times together.

I find myself thinking about him at least once a day. I wonder if he’s happy and what kind of adventures he’s out doing. I sometimes hope he will call me and let me know. Sometimes when I check the mail I wonder if I’ll get a letter. Every time I start feeling a sense of hope I try to forget about it.

A friend from church shared this story with me and I always try to remember it when I start to miss him desperately.

A little girl had a fake pearl necklace that her father had given her for a present. She loved these pearls so much she wore them everyday. She loved them. She played with them. They were by far her favorite. One day her father wanted to see just how much she loved these pearls and if she would be willing to give them up for her father. He wanted to give his daughter real pearls. He wanted to see if his daughter trusted him enough to give back to one thing she loved the most. He had something better for her. But she had to trust him.

He (my ex) is my fake pearl necklace and I know this. I know that I miss him so much because he’s all I’ve ever known when it comes to love. I also know that God loves me and wants to bless me. God wants to know if I trust him enough to hand over my fake pearls so I can receive the real ones. I trusted God enough the let my past relationship go. I’m not guaranteed real pearls, meaning an amazing relationship in the future, but I trust God knows what He’s doing and He doesn’t need my help. I also know that once those real pearls come along I’ll never think about the fake ones again. Once the guy I’m supposed to be with comes along, I’ll never think of my ex again. He won’t cross my mind. I won’t click on his facebook, his number will not be on my blackberry. I won’t care how he’s doing in life. It’s hard now because I can’t see the future and I can’t see my pearls. If I could, I probably wouldn’t even be thinking of my ex now. I would be joyful and patient in preparation for my future love. It’s hard, but I continually try to trust God, and give this struggle to Him on a daily basis.

Days like today will probably still happen from time to time. I know they will pass. This will pass. As time goes on and life goes on I’ll heal and so will my heart. God will still be there. He knows my heart and knows my desires. I think He’s waiting for me to fully trust Him and know that His love is more than enough for me. I think He’s waiting with excitement to give me those real pearls.

Breakups are hard. What women doesn’t feel “good enough” after being dumped. We can’t help but question ourselves. Before the breakup when things are going really good we feel beautiful, amazing, smart, funny, sexy, we are everything to the man in our world. Then suddenly after the breakup we instantly question ourselves.  We have been dumped. Fired. What didn’t we do right? What happened? When did we suddenly become not… “enough?” Am I too fat?, too ugly?, too?…(fill in the blank). The arrow on the insecurity-o-meter goes into the high risk red caution area. We try to get over the breakup. Ice cream, chick flicks, girl pals, shopping, etc. We women all have our own ways of getting over the breakup and feeling beautiful again. This is my way.

I’ve only had two actual, official boyfriends since high school. One of them I dated for around three years and I thought for a while I would marry him. The other boyfriend was more of a rebound and I dated him for around three weeks. Both dumped me so I’m obviously doing  something wrong, because I’ve been fired from every relationship job I’ve been hired into. I don’t actually really believe that about myself, I actually think in both cases we just weren’t right enough for each other. However, at the time I was devastated and heartbroken. I needed to get over them. I needed a change, a distraction, a makeover.

Makeover 1

Relationship 1: After Marshall broke up with me I thought it was the end of the world. It wasn’t. The rest of the world seemed to continue on just fine, but I didn’t. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate on anything except how much I loved him. This would make me burst into tears and I would end up crying myself to sleep. I constantly worked out to distract myself and get my emotions out. It’s simply unbearable to give your heart to a man only to have him give it back and say he no longer loves you. I knew I needed to move on and stop this madness. I must have been the most depressing girl to be around. So I decided to go to the salon. Ah, the salon. The salon makes all women feel better about themselves. At the time I had super long dark brown hair so I decided to highlight it. With steaks of carmel and blond I instantly became a more beautiful version of myself, and it was a step forward to moving on.

Makeover 2

Relationship 2: By now my hair had grown out and was dark brown again. I met Walter and I still wasn’t quite over Marshall yet. Marshall and I kept in contact and I secretly hoped we would always get back together. My own happy ever after. We didn’t. Walter pursued, I let him, we dated, he dumped me, the next day he returned to his ex, and now a half a year later they are still happily together. I worked with Walter so talk about being uncomfortable all day long. I definitely needed a makeover to move on. But what to do now. I decided to cut my beautiful long brown locks off. To give you a better picture of the drastic measure I took my hair flowed down to end of my lower back, I cut it to my chin and put lots and lots of blond in my once completely dark brown tresses. This time was much more drastic because my ex left me for his ex and he loved my beautiful long hair, so I got rid of it. I felt better.

Makeover 3

And now, I’m sporting the single life. I’ve been single since August 08 ‘ but I need a change. I’m at that stage in my life where there aren’t any prospects. There is no single man who has popped up in my life like a fresh spring daisy and has captured my heart. I wait. Waiting can be hard. So I decided to get a piercing implant. That just means I got a piercing between my clavicles and the back of it is underneath my skin. The benefits to this are: I no longer have to invest in necklaces, it’s unique, cute, simple, and I’m moving on still beautiful. It’s a coping mechanism. I realize more and more every day that I really am “enough.” I’m also extremely picky. And the changes I make to my physical appearance are for me. I want to feel better, to feel I look better and just get my sense of being beautiful back. It works. It’s not the fix all but it definitely helps and I know my ultimate true beauty is still inside, but for now I want to express the changes in my life and be a little creative. Life really is about the makeovers you give yourself after each chapter in your life comes to an end. You’ll grow, much like hair, and change, much like new body piercings. The risk will always be worth it.

Some people hate Valentine’s Day. I’m not one of them. I actually like it. I’ve spent almost every Valentine’s Day single, and I still enjoy it. I like to give valentines to other people, and my mom always buys me one, which is fun. I love chocolate so I really don’t care who buys it for me. This year was much the same as the previous years except for one exception.  John. I’ve just had the best Valentine’s day ever. EVER! It was….perfect!

There was nothing majorly special about February 14th this year. I didn’t get a boyfriend or flowers or anything. It was company and the thought of the company that made it special. I spent the day with my very good friend John. He is exceptional in so many ways and one of the  most genuine endearing people you’ll meet in your life. His  honesty and willingness to be himself and only himself make him stand out against the rest. He doesn’t people please. I love that about him. I love the fact that he could have spent the day with anyone, but he chose to spend it with me. And only me. He didn’t answer his cell phone the entire time we were together. He gave me his full undivided attention, and when he looked at me, it was as if I was the only one in the world at the moment. When he smiled at me, it was as if I was the only girl that could light up his life. And when he hugged me, it was as if he’d never let me go if given the option. I love that. Guys don’t do the simple things like that anymore that make a girl feel absolutely special. I even got a sweet, simple kiss goodnight. Perfect!

This story isn’t really that interesting or funny or filled with details of the night events. It’s simple and short. I only tell it because I had a wonderful time with a great friend. A friend that I would possibly even marry in a heartbeat if he converted to Christianity and went to church with me. But for now I’ll settle for the sweet, simple kiss goodbye of the night, and a Valentine’s Day to remember. I’ll settle for a great friend, and the amazing blessing of his friendship in my life.

I’m not full of myself.  The title for my blog isn’t even original.   I got the name from a book that spelled my name the same way I do.  And I liked it. My name is Jennie.  It’s spelled with an “ie” instead of the typical “y.”  That’s mostly because my full name is just Jennie, not Jennifer.

So I’m walking through the Family Christian Book Store over on Alpine Ave.  I’m bored and depressed, and looking for a quick fix self help book on how to be a better…women, employee, daughter, sister, church goer, friend, future wife, whatever.  I always walk through the Family Christian Book Store when I get depressed and then find a book to read to make me feel better.  Sometimes this doesn’t always work.  Sometimes I end up feeling worse.  On this particular visit as I stroll down the aisles looking for something to make me a better person, I come upon the “singles” section.  Buyer Beware!  The singles section is actually really small,  and mostly filled with books about how not to be single written by happily married women.  Apparently singleness is some sort of disease which must be cured.  I find it interesting that there aren’t any books that talk about embracing your singleness or how to be single to the fullest.  Instead, they all talk about the top ten ways to getting a husband in the most efficient God honoring way.  (What?)   I guess I’m really bad at following directions.  Anyway, after quickly eyeballing the titles so no one would catch me in this section (it’s secretly my biggest fear to have someone I know catch me looking at books about how not to be single) I come across a book titled,  “Guys Like Girls Named Jennie.” I instantly smiled inside because I’m named Jennie and I considered this to be an indirect message from God that someone, somewhere, out there, likes me!  I had to buy it! Mostly because of the title.

The second reason why I decided to buy it was because after reading the back cover I decided this was the perfect self help book for me… at the moment.  The book is written by Kerri Pomarolli.  It’s basically a fantastically funny book about Kerri’s real life dating adventures, and the journey she goes through while waiting for “Mr. Right.”  God’s “Mr. Right.”  A girl named Jennie is actually only mentioned in the first few chapters of the book.  Twice while in school the crushes Kerri had liked,  liked a girl named Jennie.  If only that happened more often in my dating reality.

So there’s the title for you.  I’ve decided in the future to record my dating and life experiences as well.   If my life were a reality TV show I can guarantee it would be a huge hit.  It’s full of drama and humor.  The strangest things always happen to me too.  So I’ll keep you updated.  Trust me, it’s worth the read.  You will really enjoy it. This is the story of a girl named Jennie.